Have you heard the song "I love you, goodbye"? It's a bitter-sweet song about loving someone but can't promise to stay. I guess, that's what happened to me and Mark.
Last night was the final night. I gave him my letter and a goodbye hug... Honestly, I was trying to stop myself from crying when I hugged him and he hugged me back. He hugged me as tight as I hugged him and I felt that it includes the sorry's for the pain we caused each other.. The thank you's for the great times and the love and the goodbye... How I wish he didn't let me go...
He wanted me to unfriend him in facebook and wanted me to delete all his contact details with me. Makulit na daw kasi ako masyado. Wala naman daw akong maaasahan sa kanya. Pero sinabi ko makulit lang ako kasi mahal kita.. And yes, I was able to say it.
As I write this blog, my eyes are swelling because I was crying all the way home. Pagod na akong umiyak pero bakit hindi pa din ako napapagod na magmahal sa kanya?
I wanted to think he doesn't love me anymore but a part of me is saying that he did it because he loves me and wanted the best for me even if it means letting me go and hurting me. Knowing Mark, he was never good at expressing how he feels but his eyes can't lie.. I saw in his eyes that he was sad to let me go... But that's how things should be. If we're not meant to be, somehow, someway... We will be separated by fate. I should be glad that he was taken from me but he is alive and breathing rather than his life was taken away just so he will be separated from me. If he is meant for me, in God's time... He will be back.
I don't know what to do now because I have settled with the idea that with or without marriage, he's the one for me. I don't know if I'd ever love this much again or if I'd ever fall inlove again. I don't know if he's in pain the same way that I am or if he's hurting twice as I thought... I can never tell... All I know is, I will move on with my life... I gotta move on.. But I don't think I ever want to be inlove again... If not with him. I love him even if he pushes me away and tells me I can't expect a thing from him.I love him for who he is.. For every flaw, for his talent, for his successes and failures. This is for real. It's not like puppy love.
I am trusting His will. He did this for a reason.. Either to prepare both of us to be together, to change me so I can be the perfect one for someone... I just wish things would be fine..