Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Most Painful Thing

I woke up today, crying... After a long time, since my dad died, this is just the second time in my life that I woke up crying. I am in pain that even anesthesia can't take away. The pain in my chest is hard to describe. It's heavy. It hurts every now and then. I want to see a doctor but I don't know which doctor because really, the pain in my chest is because of a heartbreak. No word can describe how I'm feeling and no words of comfort can take it away...

For 1 year and 11 months, there's just one person that I loved being with. Spending quiet afternoons, sharing important occasions in my life... But now, the person is no longer mine. the man I imagined i would spend my life with... And yes, i am crying as I create this post. i wanna let it out but hence, when i sent him a message, he replied twice and here i am again, waiting if he'll ever send me another message. I just can't believe he could throw away what we had just like that for the reason that he can't see himself ever getting into a lifetime committment with anybody. I felt like throwing up when I heard about it from him because really, I have already set my mind that Mark Christopher Medina/ Dorion would be the man I would grow old with despite the challenges we are facing right now. I am a fighter and I fight for what's gonna make me happy... But now, I don't know whether to fight for it or let go... I am in pain and I'll say this over and over again until the pain disappears gradually.

I've been trying to divert my attention, textmates, night out with friends, gym, self-pampering, work... But still the vacant hours when I'm not doing a thing leaves me reminiscing and thinking about what could have been if we were ok today. Even i can't escape in my sleep because when I sleep, I dream of him leaving in different scenarios and I just find myself awaken by my tears... in the middle of my sleep.

There are so many unforgettable experiences I had with him.. the days when we were sweet and going strong and the painful ones that I regret. how i wish that we have recorded everything on video just so I can keep on watching it over and over and feel so much inlove but no.. It's all in my head and i can't get over it which makes me really sad because it's mixed up with the bad times when we argued.. fought over some things and became tactless... said some things we should've never said.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am tired. I feel lost. I wanna talk to God and ask for an explaination why this happened but then, who am i to question His will? I am trying to be strong but where do i get more strength when the person that inspires me has forgotten about me?

I wish things are just as easy as changing my profile pic... But no. it's a long and painful process. I don't know where or how to start.

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