Sunday, June 19, 2011

I Can't Just Forgive and Forget

I am sorry for posting another "hate" entry in this blog. But I just want to breathe it all out simply because I just realized some points today that made me upset.

First of all, let me just say that me and my ex broke up because he didn't want to settle down. He said, he doesn't see himself ever settling down with anybody. That wasn't fair, specially for me who had been with him for almost 2 years. First, because if that is the case, then our relationship wasn't as serious as I thought. Second, it was never part of my plans to be a girlfriend forever. I am a smart woman, I dream big and I work hard. I didn't think I deserve a relationship as such. The pain of the breakup was bad. But what's even worse than losing someone is losing yourself in the process of loving someone. I wasted 2 years for nothing. I wasted my time only to realize that HE wasn't good enough for me.

I also realized that maybe, it's not just about the "committment" issue but also because he wanted to be available for other girls. In the course of the relationship, we fought over approximately 4 or 5 girls if I'm not mistaken because of messages, pictures and stories from common friends. I have never felt so jealous and insecure my whole life! I never thought that's how I will feel. No matter how confident you are about yourself, when you start feeling infidelity from your partner, you lose every single piece of you that remains strong and standing. That was how I felt. I felt insecure of my body, my face, my hair, everything about me. I thought, when you finally found Mr. Right, he's gonna make you feel so right even if you are so wrong. Only proves, he wasn't the right one after all.

Up to know, I cannot believe I lasted almost 2 years bearing the pain, insecurity and hatred towards myself, which I denied so many times just because I was inlove.

No, I can't promise to forgive and forget because honestly, as he enjoys the rain tonight, I am reminiscing the painful past. How can he be happy when I am hurting? It's gonna be unfair if he moves on quickly while I am trying so hard to redeem myself before I can fall inlove. I don't want to be unfair with anybody just because someone became unfair to me. I am inspired by someone right now but I can't take away my anger. The pain. The hatred. How can someone simply exist to hurt a heart who only wishes to love and be loved? What's even worse is that how can he take away all the beauty in me and leave me with nothing but anger to redeem myself?

It's so hard to forgive. I don't know how I can let go of this grudge. Maybe, in time. But not as soon as now...

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