It's always a puzzle to me how some people can appear so kind yet intimidating. How some seems intimidating only or kind only. How some appears to be a pushover while others are perceived to be bullies. Self-expression, I guess is a big question to me.
How do I express myself? What impression do I give the people outside my "world"? I sometimes think I am not too good at it. Possibly because I am also unsure of myself. I come off too strong sometimes and sometimes I come off as a pushover. Both cases, however, have not been the best for me.
I sometimes fear that the way I express myself can give me troubles. It always had anyway. But I would like to be on the safer side of things. My mouth outruns my thoughts and yes, it's not the best thing. Yet again, I never meant any harm. I am an open book and when thoughts run in my mind, I had to say it--good or bad. I tried finding excuses on why I am such: Complicated. Maybe because I am a dragon-born? Maybe because I am a gemini? Or maybe because I am still immature though I think I already am a matured person who knows so much of the world.
The fact that maybe I can say what's on my mind is actually very different with me expressing how I feel. I am so afraid to ask for help and get disappointed. I am afraid to express love for I already did in the past and it had made me suffer so much. I have expressed so much joy and sadness only to find out some people thought I was shallow. Probably, the most difficult part is to justify how you feel. Maybe, what I feel is irrational? Maybe it wasn't who I am but rather a product of all the things that are happening at every moment.
Ken and I talked yesterday. He said whenever I want someone to talk to, it always seems like I want to start a fight. And yes, we disagree on many things. I just realized yesterday how it had always been difficult for me to tell a friend "Hey, I need someone to talk to" or "hey, I feel bad can you help me?" I guess all my life, I have never uttered those words... well, maybe I have but it was more of a brain's command rather than the heart. Why can't I say I actually need something? Instead, I always keep it to myself and I suffer alone. I bottle it up inside me hoping it will subside--eventually. I have always been afraid to be perceived as weak. So maybe that's why I never ask for help. I never show how much I need someone or something just to save myself from disappointments. Everytime I come to that point, i have always been good at hiding it with a smile, with jokes, with a bubbly tone and a happy face hoping at least someone would be able to see right through it and ask me so I have the right to breakdown and just confirm and not ask for someone to listen to me.It's a weird thought. I've always known how complicated I am.
I am also good at running away. Anything that makes me feel bad, I run away from it... as far as I can. Anything that will make me feel too dependent, I run away from it too. I'm not perfect. While I hear my siblings say they think I'm the best person they know, I cannot come to them and tell them how weak i am inside. That I'm also human and I also feel lonely. Things are doing great for me now. My job is very rewarding and I'm bound to be promoted and relocated in few months. My family is now alright financially. We're not rich but somehow, we manage to live comfortably compared to how we were years ago. I'm single and it's the perfect time to fix my life: have a great career, learn how to be independent, travel, realize what I want in life vs. what I need and continue strengthening my faith. I have no complaints about my life. It's like God is giving it to me. He is giving me the things I have hoped for. He is very generous that sometimes, I even get surprised at the twists. Quite colorful, I may say. I do not know how I can return the favor. Maybe, just maximizing what he has given? or maybe continuing to change lives of those people around me? That's still my dream. it hasn't changed a bit. I want to change lives--in my own way. I'm no doctor, I'm no politician or teacher. I'm just one girl who has big dreams and hoping someday I might make a difference.
I think I'm a wonderful person. I have good intentions most of the time. I just cannot express it properly. Possibly, I can if I will just let go of myself more and realize that everybody is just as complicated after all.