I don't want to be paranoid or something but I think he's got another woman. I really don't want to act this way but GOD. He has changed. He used to text me when he goes out just to inform me that he has arrived to where he's supposed to go.He used to be early and doesn't make me wait. He used to email as soon as he got to his station and he used to text me as soon as he wakes up but no. He doesn't anymore. He doesn't. Is this heading to a break up already? I hate being suspicious about anything. I can't feel this way. This will ruin what we supposed to have. I am trying to fight this feeling but hell... I DO FEEL THIS WAY!!!!!! I've heard from him that there were women in his office which had been linked to him or something. I saw women being added in his facebook. I heard him talk about someone before which made me jealous. And I don't think I trust him that much anymore. He hasn't texted me yet. We are supposed to go to the doctor today but I bet he's drunk. Can't go. Is this how thing are after 4 months???? Is this how big things could change? I don't want to talk to him now. I really don't. I am so mad. I am so upset. I tell him my whereabouts from the time I step in the place but he doesn't anymore. He doesn't and I don't like it.
I AM MAD!!!!!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
It was a crazy month last month. Things didn't go he way I wanted it to. Nothing's in my control and I almost freaked the hell out of it! Darn those stats, darn those b******t people, darn those online accounts which starts to bore me already!!!!! But anyway, I was trying my best to keep it nice and slow with everything... But no improvement. I mean, I'm not just complaining, I'm ranting already and I know that. There were times that I thought all my fears, my troubles and failures are rising to the surface again and I wanted to just SCREAM and say that HEY, ENOUGH OF THIS! I'M WAY TOO TIRED OF IT ALL. and that ALL MY LIFE, I'VE BEEN DOING MY BEST...BUT IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH... NOT GOOD ENOUGH... :-( I attended the mass yesterday with Mark. Honestly speaking, I felt that I lost communication with God for the past months when everything was successful. I still prayed during those times...but I guess it wasn't as real as my prayers now. I felt really sorry that I was enjoying success too much... I forgot to look back--to GOD, who gave me the wisdom, patience and talent to be able to do it all. I heard the sermon yesterday and it felt like the message was for me. That I don't have to worry about life... discussing the footprints in the sand where God carries me during my hardest times... I just have to have FAITH in Him. I have FAITH in God. I trust that He gives me the trials because He wants me to understand... more than anybodyelse. He gives me trials to make me strong, to make me wise, to make me better. I failed my scorecard last month because He wanted me to know that even if I'm good at what I do, I still have room for improvement... In the long run, that would keep my feet on the ground. I was sick last month because He wanted me to take care of my body--His temple. In the long run, that would teach me to balance my busy life with rest... people need to rest sometimes...even if you are way too busy with work or partying. I broke down to tears after realizing that failures are all over me... because He wanted me to learn that I can never appreciate success without knowing what failure is. I have few friends in this life. I have few people that I talk to. But talking to God is one of the things that lightens how I am feeling right now. Nothing's in my control and sometimes, I just have to let go of the things I wanted for me to find out what is meant for me, what's best for me according to God's will.