Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Ass Back Home

Ok, just got back from my trip to Bangkok. And yeah, 4 days of pure vacation is what I needed to get back on track.

As I always say, vacations give me a chance to relax, unwind and let loose. I just started to appreciate vacations last year when I went to Cebu and Bohol with two of my childhood friends, followed by Puerto Galera with some friends again then Boracay with Kath and recently, Tokyo-- which was a business trip/test of independence/mini vacation over the weekends and few days ago, Bangkok.

I tried a lot of new stuff and I still can't believe I did it. I will tell you in detail once the pics are ready. Anyway, prior to my vacation, I was kind of torn between staying and going in this what seemed to be a mutual understanding stage between me and my special someone. Yes, again... I am not in  a formal relationship. We just sort of like each other, I guess. Which is good and frustrating at the same time.

Sometimes, I wanna question where I really stand with him but then I am scared to hear the answer. So I plan to just let things be. I was deliberating with myself all 4 days of vacation. No communication with the guy. Just me and my silent moments when I raise all the questions that I feel need some answers. But everytime I ask myself, I always end up with the conclusion that it's out of my control and that if he is for me, he is for me.

I can now stop pressuring myself over this and stop analyzing if I am ready for committment of not. The right time will come and all I should do is enjoy and appreciate every moment I have with this person. If we end up together, it's good because I prayed for it. If not, then better because God knows what is best for me.

Nevertheless, I am more than thankful for having this life to live and a love to give.


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Quotes About Waiting

"If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” 
― Paulo CoelhoBy the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

“It's hard being left behind. (...) It's hard to be the one who stays.” 
― Audrey NiffeneggerThe Time Traveler's Wife

“I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin.
And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin.
I love movies about “The Big Moment” – the game or the performance or the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is reframed, before it and after it, because it has changed everything. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event, something that will change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies.
John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment. I was ready for it and believed that the rest of my life would fade into the background, and that my big moment would carry me through life like a lifeboat.
The Big Moment, unfortunately, is an urban myth. Some people have them, in a sense, when they win the Heisman or become the next American Idol. But even that football player or that singer is living a life made up of more than that one moment. Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies.
But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that move-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets – this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of use will ever experience.” 
― Shauna NiequistCold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life

“Men trust God by risking rejection. Women trust God by waiting.” 
― Carolyn McCulley

“Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful...” 
― José N. HarrisMI VIDA

“Maybe you think you’ll be entitled to more happiness later by forgoing all of it now, but it doesn’t work that way. Happiness takes as much practice as unhappiness does. It’s by living that you live more. By waiting you wait more. Every waiting day makes your life a little less. Every lonely day makes you a little smaller. Every day you put off your life makes you less capable of living it.” 
― Ann BrasharesSisterhood Everlasting


Lately, I have been feeling intense sadness... emptiness. I kept wondering when it will be over. But the more I try to get over it, the worse it gets. For some reason, there is a hollow in my heart that I am feeling and it gets painful and painful everyday.

Nobody knows. I can't tell anyone. I just put myself to sleep whenever I feel it. But deep inside, I wanna scream in so much pain. Why do I not know where I stand? Why am I unsure? I've been doing my best but my path remains unclear.

What is missing? Or maybe, what am I not doing yet? This is tiring....

Saturday, September 1, 2012