Saturday, December 14, 2013

Christmas and New Year

I haven't blogged in a while. I guess I missed pouring my heart out. Lol

My work as usual, is stressful and time consuming even after the 8 hours shift. I am not complaining though. I still think that I am very lucky. I am employed and paid well. I have a career at te age of 25 and big things lie ahead of me. 

As you might know, I am picky with friends. Despite the need of human interaction, I still chose to rise above the need and settle in waiting for true friends to come my way. I don't have many friends but I can say that I hve very few, real ones.

I met the man of my dreams this year. He is pretty much my male version and I can't help but see more of it everyday. I am not saying he's perfect but he's just the way I want him to be. Human enough to be with me. He knows how to live life and how to live it well. Something that I have always wanted in a man. And he took me by surprise. Thank God I love surprises! :) 

This Christmas and New Year, I won't ask for anything. I will be thankful instead for the life i am living now. For the blessings, the scars, for the life. It won't be easy in the coming years but God gave me so much faith in him that I know every year will always be better. Happy holidays!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


Sabi nga nila pagmagmahal ka, dapat handa ka masaktan. Handa kang umiyak. Handa ka sa lahat, masaya man o masakit. Parte yan eh. Hindi pwedeng one sided. 

Takot ako makaramdam. Baka kasi kagaya ng paulit ulit na nangyayari saken, baka mali na naman. Hindi din naman kasi ako yung tipo na nakakahanap agad ng kapalit. Pagnagmahal kasi ako, buo palagi kahit hindi ko aminin. Anong magagawa ko kung hopeless romantic ako na naniniwala sa long and lasting love. Hindi ko alam pero sa ngayon nakakaramdam ako ng takot na baka mawala ulit to... Siya... Handa ba akong pakawalan yung nagpapasaya saken kung sakaling kailangan kong pakawalan? (Itutuloy)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


Can I still do this? Is this my limit? I am trying to go through phases and hoping that at the end, I will make it out alive. 

Like a patient in the operating room, I do not know if the process will be successful. I can only hold on to my faith that I ended up in this hospital bed for a reason. To learn, to renew myself and to appreciate once again what life's trials are for. I do not know how this will end. If I will emerge as a better product of pain, sweeter than itself or if I will end up ruined.

Asking God about His plan is all that I have in mind. Telling him to paint me a picture until I see it come to life! I am a waste. Nevertheless, I never stopped believing I have worth. If worth does have its true meaning, I should say.

Life is strange and all I can do is live, hope and pray.

Monday, July 29, 2013


Life In Tokyo

It's been a month since we arrived and it felt like we've been here for ages. We still get that weird feeling when we wake up and still ask ourselves aid we are really here. I guess this is just surreal. 

I personally am in a state of amusement every time I experience something "Japanese". The language doesn't seem to be too much of a barrier as every word they say seem to confirm that I am here, the place where I want to be. Starting my life while living my dream. All of a sudden my life changed. It was drastic but not as scary as I thought. Every time I wake up, I start to believe in miracles all over again like it was the first time.

I got my first iPhone ever, I am free to have sushi everyday. I take the train going to work. Yes, I am in Japan. I am in Tokyo. It feels wonderful. ;) 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Brighter Than The Sun - Colbie Caillat

Stop me on the corner
I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn't expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it's supposed to go with it
Don't you blink you might miss it
See we got a right to just love it or leave it
You find it and keep it
Cause it ain't every day you get the chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

I've never seen it, I found this love, I'm gonna feed it
You better believe, I'm gonna treat it better than anything I've ever had
Cause you're so damn beautiful
Read it, it's signed and delivered let's seal it
Boy we go together like peanuts and paydays and Marley and reggae
And everybody needs to get a chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

Everything is like a white out, cause we shika-shika a shine down
Even when the, when the light's out but I can see you glow
Got my head up in the rafters, got me happy ever after
Never felt this way before, ain't felt this way before

I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn't expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it's supposed to go?

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun

My first LOVE, my FAMILY <3 font="">

Saturday, June 8, 2013



In few days, I am flying away. The past few days that I have been reminded of such brought tears to my eyes. I'm such a baby, I know. But I cannot deny the fact that I will miss my family here. It's all about them. It's never easy to leave.

One thing that I do look forward to though is the fact that I will be truly independent. Manage my own money, cook my food, wash my clothes, clean my room, take care of myself. It is going to be challenging but I have no doubt that it will be fun.

Japan is a place I wanted to go to ever since. The cherry blossoms, the snow... it's so lovely. I never thought that everything I have been through would lead me there. It's such a wonder how the Lord is planning things for me. I am ready to face the world on my own. I know that it won't be easy but my faith tells me it's not gonna be that hard.

I want to succeed there. Find my true love. Learn about life. Find a deeper meaning in my existence. Know myself. This is it. I CAN DO THIS!

image from:,r:3,s:0,i:87&iact=rc&dur=3861&page=1&tbnh=169&tbnw=242&start=0&ndsp=15&tx=106&ty=51

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Disappearing Act

That's it. I give up. White flag raised! Imagine that. No text for 3 days now. He just kept on liking my fb posts. One thing I crave for in relationships is CONSISTENCY. So if he pulls that disappearing act all of sudden, it makes me doubt if I should be with him.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Happy Birthday To ME! (May 23)

So of course, I'm officially a mid-20's girl. WOOT! hahahahaha

In line with this, I'd like to say some things that I am thankful for which I guess, I forget to be thankful for everyday. I was talking to my Mom the other day and was asking her if she ever reached a point when she felt that it's tiring to live life. She was so surprised at my question and told me that everyday, people who are sick are praying for another day to live. Guess I wasn't too appreciative after all. Stress was taking its toll at me. I have to admit that lately, some factors contributed to the "loneliness". Life was imperfect. It always has been and I was seeing it clearly and forgetting that after all, I have lived this way and that I will continue to because that's how life is. I fail, I get hurt. But despite all those, everyday when I wake up, I am given a new hope to change my path. To take things with refreshed energy just because I can. Taking on life is never easy but who would have thought it's gonna be this hard? I have lost so many battles even though I never wanted to. I have given more than what was required of me only to realize that it wasn't enough. So I have questioned, what's there to live for after all?

But then of all things that I have noticed, I overlooked such wonderful things that make life worth living. A Family that cares and loves unconditionally. Friends that never left me behind despite the differences in so many things or the changes of locations and paths in life. The everyday opportunities that I was given to make a difference. Life. Is. Wonderful. And maybe, I forget it sometimes. Of all things, I forgot that life is wonderful. Where's little miss sunshine gone? Why should I be faking a laugh or a smile when I can be laughing in all honesty? I also forget that I am such a wonderful person. I tend to see my flaws more often than what my good qualities are. I can't cook but I appreciate every meal regardless of what it is. I can't make firm decisions but then I am very flexible to meet the needs of people that I need to satisfy. I always believe in goodness of people even if they lie to me or cheat me. I forgive over and over. I believe that people can and will always change so I don't take past mistakes against anyone. I give and give as much as I can or sometimes, even if I can't anymore because I do not value anything with price. I don't fear losing money or losing my job because I believe that I can live without it and I'd still be the same person. I was never afraid to go hungry or live in the streets because after all, other people survived that kind of life. I am wonderful after all. In fact, those little things about me are enough to make my life worth living. In fact, I have touched people's lives in countless ways that I never thought I would. In fact, I am actually thankful and always should be.

So today, as I celebrate my 25th year, I still do not understand why I am still here. Funny thought is that God can take away all that I have and all that I am but he still hasn't because maybe, I am yet to fulfill my purpose in life. I could get hit by a truck, I could die of some disease, I could fall off a building, but then it would be too easy for me. I would die without meaning and that was never His plan. And that maybe, all the disappointments and pain I have experienced are part of the plan. It's meant to be that way because if it wasn't, I wouldn't be taking the path that I should be taking.

Happy Birthday to me. Happy living. It is a wonderful life and I guess, I should always remember that. On my 25th year, I should continue to live, love and forgive. I should continue to have Faith. I should live this awesome life to the best that I could, as much as I can.

Friday, May 10, 2013


I never thought that I would feel this way. Not feeling so much but feeling it all.

I am, once again, stuck in a situation. Being with someone who is divorced/separated is something new to me. First of all, I am very much single. Never been married. Never had a kid. Initially, when some friends heard about this, the initial reaction was " You can do better than that ". But being the usual, open-minded person that I am, I just understand that some people cannot stay married. Not because that's how it is but because they are humans who feel and are always in constant search for happiness. I'm one of them, although not married, no kids, but I am in search of happiness and I will never stay in an unhappy marriage or relationship just because I know I don't deserve to.

So, this man... Simply amazing that I am not getting too emotional about the situation like when he wants to see his son or his ex wife on Facebook now... It's like I totally understand. It's like I know how his kid feels or how his kid will react in case he meets me. Or how his ex will react to my existence. And I am not planning to be friends with her or anything like that which will just be unreal. But nevertheless, I find it weird that I look forward to having a coffee with her and talking about life before and after the man. And no, not really friends but I am looking forward to an unawkward situaiton when she brings her son to see the man. And that thought of the son also not feeling awkward that I am around. What is this? And I've been typing all these here. I might be judged for this. For being unholy in a sense that I want to be with this man. But then, I don't really care so much. Again, I want to be happy. I deserve to. And I did not break a marriage. They were separated before I came in the picture, at least that is what I know.

Should I investigate? Should I ask around? No. I do not think so. Just because I have faith. Not with him or me or us. I have faith that God is putting me in a situation which will lead me to my destiny. The path he wanted me to take. Whatever my decisions in life are, what's meant for me will always happen. All I can do is pray and pray that even if I get hurt, I will remain strong. That even if I fail, I will get back up and try again. Love again.

And this blogpost, I put the title EVERYTHING because while I am writing this, I am listening to Michael Buble's song with the same title and it runs in my head as well, that this is everything I am. Unconventional. Real. And I will write about this and still stand proud. It's not a perfect situation. But yes, happiness--to me is EVERYTHING.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

In Preparation For My Upcoming 25th Birthday

25 Things I Am Still Learning At 25
APR. 30, 2013 
1. The things you think will kill you, in fact, probably won’t.
2. The things you think won’t kill you, just might. And if they don’t come in for the kill, they will at least come in for a surprise attack.
3. People will change. And they will change their minds, change their minds and change their minds again.
4. You will change. And you will change your mind, change your mind and change your mind again.
5. You must do a lot of things in life that you don’t want to do. Consider these to be character building exercises, suck it up, and do them.
6. You don’t have to do these things forever and as soon as you have an escape route mapped out, take it.
7. Keep your escape routes near and dear. Don’t share them too often, or too soon. Not until it’s time.
8. The longer you stay in the fight, the more battle wounds you are likely to endure. Never bow out. Never stop fighting for what you believe in.
9. You are more like your parents than you ever thought was possible. Embrace every strength and every weakness. There is still much to learn from them. Soak up as much as you can, while you can.
10. The world may be your oyster, but watch out because it’s everyone else’s oyster too. It is one giant competitive and relentless oyster. Keep your eyes peeled and your head on a swivel.
11. There’s no perfect path for your life that you have yet to uncover. You simply must “do you.” This takes endless sacrifice and a hell of a lot of heart.
12. Sometimes you have to lose the things you care about along the way. This may only be for a season.
13. Sometimes you will lose yourself. Just don’t lose yourself for too long.
14. Most answers don’t come easy. Some answers don’t come at all.
15. It’s okay to question everything. Having more questions than answers means you are being honest with yourself.
16. Honesty is the first step toward anything that is worth everything.
17. Many times the idea of something is entirely more appealing than the actual, even though that grass is looking mighty green over there.
18. Not only is it okay to be selfish when it comes to your own wellbeing, being selfish is vital when it comes to your own wellbeing.
19. No amount of money in the world is worth more than being true to yourself. If someone tries to tell you any differently, then as Florence Welch says, “Run fast.”
20. It’s okay to run. Just be sure you are running into the light, and that the light is not a train.
21. It’s okay to stay and face your problems. Just don’t stay so long that you forget how to get up and go again.
22. Although sometimes you may feel comfortable and secure, comfort and security are merely mirages. There is no artificial safety net waiting to catch you when you fall. It’s all you kid!
23. The greatest lessons in life are only learned the hard way.
24. The greatest things in life are still found for free. You just have to look.
25. Life is not a race. Keep a steady pace so you won’t miss out on the magnificent beauty that is waiting for you around each and every corner. 

So, today I received my sister's omiyage for me and my Mom via her friend from work. I was very excited! Well, since she won't be home when I leave for Tokyo, she decided to send me the bag she wanted to give me just so I can already use it in Tokyo. I was very touched but of course, I wasn't really expecting a gift. How I wish she could be here so we can at least bond before we go our separate ways again and manage our own lives. If I am right, the next time I will see her will be next year which will be the longest time we haven't seen each other in our 20+ years of existence. But of course I understand that this is part of growing up. No matter where the opportunities or the world takes us, we will always and forever be a family.

Keychains from Barbados, Argentina and Puerto Rico

Kenneth Cole Purse

Pink Havaianas for Mom
Nine West Purse for Mom

My Havaianas

Friday, May 3, 2013

Repeat (Jessie J and David Guetta)

(feat. Jessie J)

You're stuck on repeat, repeat-peat, repeat
You're stuck on repeat, repeat-peat, repeat

I can see your mouth move
But I don't hear the words
And while you dig yourself a hole
You're burying me in the blur
I can taste the fake, the shame
I've heard this story before
And while you dig yourself a hole
It's the same shit, different girl

When I was building a home, you made a bed of your own, a perfect little life for three
But now your cover is blown, you get to be on your own, and find another stupid girl like me

So go out and party, cause I'm just getting started
And I'm dancing to a brand new beat
Cause you're just stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat
You're just stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat

So go out and party, like you're not broken-hearted
Cause you'll always just be stuck on repeat
Cause you're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat
You're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat

I wanna know, was I the one
Or just the chick on the side?
I gave it all, broke down my walls
You dare say I didn't try
But you won't stop, stop telling me what, what you think I want to know
I'm rejecting the sight of you, deleting the thought of you record this, and watch me go

When I was building a home, you made a bed of your own, a perfect little life of three
But now your cover is blown, you get to be on your own, and find another stupid girl like me

So go out and party, cause I'm just getting started
And I'm dancing to a brand new beat
Cause you're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat
You're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat

So go out and party, like you're not broken-hearted
Cause you'll always just be stuck on repeat
Cause you're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat
You're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat

Saturday, April 27, 2013


5 Lessons That Must be Learned in Relationships

Everyone can use some of this advice -- MEN and Women!!
Wow, I'm becoming the relationship advice expert lately!

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.
4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6. Don't force an attraction.
7. Slower is better.
8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.
11. Don't settle.
12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship--take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?
14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.
16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
23. Like from the show Sex and the City, if he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.
24. Be honest and upfront. 25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.
26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on).
27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).
28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.
29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard. 31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!
34. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.
35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, let him go.
36. Actions speak louder than words.
37. Never let a man define who you are.
38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
39. Never borrow someone else's man.
40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.
42. To use painful hard-won wisdom -- 'get it right' the next time.
43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1 person in your life. 44. Love is a verb...
45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone unloving-loving.
46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
47. All men are NOT dogs.
48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.
49. If you don't love can't love anyone else.
50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart.
51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.
55. Never become your man's "therapist".
56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.
57. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it but it takes two to make it work.
58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.
59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.
60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you, You can't force a man to hang out with you.
61. If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn't.
62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
63. Never move into his mother's house.
64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.
65. Never co-sign for a man.
66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.
67. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.
68. Never let a man mess up your credit.
69. When it's time to let go; let go.
70. Good men should be treated like good men.
71. Don't play games.
72. You can't make a whore into a housewife - or husband. (ha ha that's hilarious!)
73. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important.
75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts.
BONUS - A man who doesn't love his mother can never really truly love a woman!!!! 

Off To Tokyo

So, same month like last year, a life-changing event will take place. I am moving away.

I prayed and prayed to every church and temple that I'd be relocated to Tokyo and it is now happening. What's more amazing is that I wouldn't have to move to a new job since my company is giving me this opportunity.

You know that very feeling when you completely get lost in translation for all the fast-moving things going on? I guess I am at that point. SURREAL. Who would have thought that my prayers will be granted? I honestly think that God is giving me way too much. In fact, to deserve all the blessings lately... I am still in awe. I must have done something right. I must have been good. But still, this is too much. Way more than I have expected.

It's like I am coming to realize all the sufferings I have been through. All the pain. And I feel like I have endured those to get to this day when all I can do was be thankful for everything. Life sure is strange. And though I wouldn't be going for the sake of "money" but rather a fulfillment of who I am and what I will become, it's just amazing.

As you know, I was never a money-driven person. I work because I love what I am working on and who I am working for. I work because there is a sense of fulfillment that I am changing someone's life. I work because I know that one day, the hardwork will pay off, in an immeasurable way.

I cannot find the words to say to express my happiness and gratitude for an answered prayer. I just feel so BLESSED.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Happiness :)

Aquarius men and Gemini women compatibility

The relationship between Gemini and Aquarius is harmonic and peaceful. Nobody can understand a Gemini woman better than an Aquarius man. He perfectly understands her needs, changes, activities, traveling. It´s because Aquarius wants to change everything and everybody around himself. Except himself. The Aquarius sign is a fix sign, it means that nobody and nothing can change him. But it doesn´t mean that his moods and acts are predictable. His moods are changing exactly the same way as moods of a woman born under the sign of Gemini. If a woman of this sign falls in love with a man of Aquarius sign, she will feel on her own skin, how is it like, when somebody is changing like the April weather. The partner match between Gemini and Aquarius is amazing. Aquarius likes to shock people with his ideas and behavior. Woman of Gemini sign often can fully understand his behavior. Exactly this is what makes him excited. He likes that he always must think of new foolishness. Compatibility of Gemini – Aquarius is fantastic. These two people are even same in unpunctuality, irresponsibility and independence. Together they could learn to be more responsible or on-timer. Their cohabitation will be full of fun. Even if the position of these signs in the zodiac is not ideal and harmonic, an Aquarius men and a Gemini woman have much in common. But the ability to apologize is the thing in which they diverse. She has no problem with it. It can be stated that she likes to say sorry. On the other side he hates apologizing and can´t stand the idea that he should apologize to somebody for something. Aquarius together with Scorpio, Leo and Taurus are those signs from which you will never hear any apologize. Gemini and Aquarius have always something to talk about and learn from each other. It is not the sex what keeps them together. It is not on the first place for any of these two signs. Of course, they enjoy it and are able to talk about it. But they don´t make a big deal from sex. Mental understanding is more important for them. Gemini women have a tendency to flirt in every situation. For an Aquarius, it´s not a big problem. He´s not jealous. And even, he´s able to understand it, because he himself often gets into such situations. In fact, Aquarius is not the most faithful type. The people of this sign lead the divorce rate. In this sphere she will also feel on her own skin how is it like when the other one turns after others. In generally we can say that the Gemini-Aquarius couple are connected with mutual vibration, peace towards life and the joy from small things.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

What's In Store For Me?

So many things are running in my mind right now. My life is fast-paced and continues to be successfully imperfect. Mediocrity is out of the picture unlike years ago. But becoming the best version of me is also impossible.

I am doing really great at work. For some reason, I am more driven to succeed. Probably, the hunger to get far ahead comes with age. I am growing older and wanting more things for myself. I sure am the same person  that I was before although at times I do find the need to hide what I am so as to not be judged by the society for my flaws and weakness. I have been doing some self-reflection quite often. I want to know where I stand. What has changed and what has not. As I dug deep into my emotions and consciousness, i found the child in me. That little girl who wants to be accepted for who she is. That very girl who would cry if not heard when she wants to speak her mind. That girl who aims to make a difference by her simple means of donating 2 pesos to a jeepney driver or a tricycle driver every payday. That girl who wants to grow up and become the perfect mother and wife someday. That girl who wants a simple thing: Unconditional love. 

I have gone quite far. In the process, I never want to lose myself. I have to appear strong and a go-getter. But at the back of my head, I still long for those little things that made me, ME. It is quite hard to balance reality, what you want and who you really are. I guess this is the part when I have to fully commit on which path to choose. To be or not to be. Living is not easy. I go through all the ups and downs and try to battle my own demons. I try to conquer my fears and overcome my weaknesses. 

Every night, the only prayer that I have is for God to help me keep going. I have a strong feeling that I am making the right decisions lately. Or possibly I am being guided by Him because I always ask Him to. It's funny how sometimes, I think God is laughing when we talk because I was able to express my crazy side without being afraid that He will judge me. I did ask Him once about His plans for me. He didn't reply. But, I said to Him that whatever His plans are, I'm up for it and will accept everything wholeheartedly. That, meaning I do understand now that I can get hurt over and over again in the process but I believe that after all the pain, He has happiness in store for me.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

The Need To Let Me Know

To be honest, I feel hurt. Yup. I'm letting it out now.

Sometimes, I do not understand why. I do not get his reasons. Simple things that should have been done aren't done. It all boils down to differences. Why? It is making me sad and making me feel irrelevant. How come the person before him shared everything with me. From things that are irrelevant to the most relevant stuff. How come the person before him was more caring, more real, more trustworthy?

I need to know. At least let me know. Specially if it will affect me. I know it's just minor stuff but the thing is I hate being left out. I hate being the last to know.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Life Is One Big Party

Well, how am I doing? I personally think I'm in the so-so level as of the moment.
I'm ok but not too ok. Life had been going really fast and all I can do is cope up with it. Tons of things are happening, mostly unexpected things. Surprises are everywhere. New challenges are beginning and well, it definitely is the time to grow up. To step up and make a difference.

Few months to go and major changes will take place. I don't know what is waiting for me outside my "comfort zone" but it's definitely something I should see. I am not afraid. But I am not overly confident. All I have is faith. That if I trust God's plan, wherever He takes me, it's definitely where I'm supposed to be.

Saturday, February 2, 2013


It's always a puzzle to me how some people can appear so kind yet intimidating. How some seems intimidating only or kind only. How some appears to be a pushover while others are perceived to be bullies. Self-expression, I guess is a big question to me.

How do I express myself? What impression do I give the people outside my "world"? I sometimes think I am not too good at it. Possibly because I am also unsure of myself. I come off too strong sometimes and sometimes I come off as a pushover. Both cases, however, have not been the best for me.

I sometimes fear that the way I express myself can give me troubles. It always had anyway. But I would like to be on the safer side of things. My mouth outruns my thoughts and yes, it's not the best thing. Yet again, I never meant any harm. I am an open book and when thoughts run in my mind, I had to say it--good or bad. I tried finding excuses on why I am such: Complicated. Maybe because I am a dragon-born? Maybe because I am a gemini? Or maybe because I am still immature though I think I already am a matured person who knows so much of the world.

The fact that maybe I can say what's on my mind is actually very different with me expressing how I feel. I am so afraid to ask for help and get disappointed. I am afraid to express love for I already did in the past and it had made me suffer so much. I have expressed so much joy and sadness only to find out some people thought I was shallow. Probably, the most difficult part is to justify how you feel. Maybe, what I feel is irrational? Maybe it wasn't who I am but rather a product of all the things that are happening at every moment.

Ken and I talked yesterday. He said whenever I want someone to talk to, it always seems like I want to start a fight. And yes, we disagree on many things. I just realized yesterday how it had always been difficult for me to tell a friend "Hey, I need someone to talk to" or "hey, I feel bad can you help me?" I guess all my life, I have never uttered those words... well, maybe I have but it was more of a brain's command rather than the heart. Why can't I say I actually need something? Instead, I always keep it to myself and I suffer alone. I bottle it up inside me hoping it will subside--eventually. I have always been afraid to be perceived as weak. So maybe that's why I never ask for help. I never show how much I need someone or something just to save myself from disappointments. Everytime I come to that point, i have always been good at hiding it with a smile, with jokes, with a bubbly tone and a happy face hoping at least someone would be able to see right through it and ask me so I have the right to breakdown and just confirm and not ask for someone to listen to me.It's a weird thought. I've always known how complicated I am.

I am also good at running away. Anything that makes me feel bad, I run away from it... as far as I can. Anything that will make me feel too dependent, I run away from it too. I'm not perfect. While I hear my siblings say they think I'm the best person they know, I cannot come to them and tell them how weak i am inside. That I'm also human and I also feel lonely. Things are doing great for me now. My job is very rewarding and I'm bound to be promoted and relocated in few months. My family is now alright financially. We're not rich but somehow, we manage to live comfortably compared to how we were years ago. I'm single and it's the perfect time to fix my life: have a great career, learn how to be independent, travel, realize what I want in life vs. what I need and continue strengthening my faith. I have no complaints about my life. It's like God is giving it to me. He is giving me the things I have hoped for. He is very generous that sometimes, I even get surprised at the twists. Quite colorful, I may say. I do not know how I can return the favor. Maybe, just maximizing what he has given? or maybe continuing to change lives of those people around me? That's still my dream. it hasn't changed a bit. I want to change lives--in my own way. I'm no doctor, I'm no politician or teacher. I'm just one girl who has big dreams and hoping someday I might make a difference.

I think I'm a wonderful person. I have good intentions most of the time. I just cannot express it properly. Possibly, I can if I will just let go of myself more and realize that everybody is just as complicated after all.