Sunday, March 17, 2013

What's In Store For Me?

So many things are running in my mind right now. My life is fast-paced and continues to be successfully imperfect. Mediocrity is out of the picture unlike years ago. But becoming the best version of me is also impossible.

I am doing really great at work. For some reason, I am more driven to succeed. Probably, the hunger to get far ahead comes with age. I am growing older and wanting more things for myself. I sure am the same person  that I was before although at times I do find the need to hide what I am so as to not be judged by the society for my flaws and weakness. I have been doing some self-reflection quite often. I want to know where I stand. What has changed and what has not. As I dug deep into my emotions and consciousness, i found the child in me. That little girl who wants to be accepted for who she is. That very girl who would cry if not heard when she wants to speak her mind. That girl who aims to make a difference by her simple means of donating 2 pesos to a jeepney driver or a tricycle driver every payday. That girl who wants to grow up and become the perfect mother and wife someday. That girl who wants a simple thing: Unconditional love. 

I have gone quite far. In the process, I never want to lose myself. I have to appear strong and a go-getter. But at the back of my head, I still long for those little things that made me, ME. It is quite hard to balance reality, what you want and who you really are. I guess this is the part when I have to fully commit on which path to choose. To be or not to be. Living is not easy. I go through all the ups and downs and try to battle my own demons. I try to conquer my fears and overcome my weaknesses. 

Every night, the only prayer that I have is for God to help me keep going. I have a strong feeling that I am making the right decisions lately. Or possibly I am being guided by Him because I always ask Him to. It's funny how sometimes, I think God is laughing when we talk because I was able to express my crazy side without being afraid that He will judge me. I did ask Him once about His plans for me. He didn't reply. But, I said to Him that whatever His plans are, I'm up for it and will accept everything wholeheartedly. That, meaning I do understand now that I can get hurt over and over again in the process but I believe that after all the pain, He has happiness in store for me.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

The Need To Let Me Know

To be honest, I feel hurt. Yup. I'm letting it out now.

Sometimes, I do not understand why. I do not get his reasons. Simple things that should have been done aren't done. It all boils down to differences. Why? It is making me sad and making me feel irrelevant. How come the person before him shared everything with me. From things that are irrelevant to the most relevant stuff. How come the person before him was more caring, more real, more trustworthy?

I need to know. At least let me know. Specially if it will affect me. I know it's just minor stuff but the thing is I hate being left out. I hate being the last to know.